HELP WANTED: Medical doctor who will always say the right things



AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY


Position title:  National China Virus Spokesperson


Position description:  Conduct press briefings and interviews to communicate the status of federal efforts towards mitigation of the China virus pandemic. Reports directly to the POTUS, but will also be required to conduct work for, and take direction from, the Senior Advisor to the President (Jared Kushner), and the Advisor to the President (Ivanka Trump)


Qualifications and requirements:

  • Must look smart and trustworthy

  • Must be able to maintain a poker face for extended periods of time

  • Must not make facial expressions which express pain, doubt, concern, or humor, when the President is speaking

  • Must always say the right things.  Examples of right things include:  China virus, President Trump is doing an excellent job responding to the China virus pandemic; the United States has the lowest China virus mortality rate in the world; the United States has the best China virus response in the world; the U.S. is developing the best China virus vaccine in the world; without President Trump’s leadership, millions of Americans would have been killed by the China virus

  • Must NEVER say the wrong things.  Examples of wrong things include:  COVID-19; the number of positive COVID cases is increasing; the pandemic is very bad; the virus is spreading; everyone should wear a face mask; COVID-19 will continue to be a problem for the rest of 2020

  • Must NEVER contradict any statements made by the President, unless instructed to do so by the president

  • Must be willing to deny any statement, if directed to do so by the President, Senior Advisor to the President, or Advisor to the President

  • Must have “thick skin” and be able to take scathing criticism from the President, his staff, and his supporters

  • Must have permission to be interviewed by any news agency, except for Fox News, the Epoch Times, and One America News

  • Must have a proven track record as a medical doctor in the treatment of infectious disease

  • Must be available 24 hours a day; 7 days a week

  • Cannot be Chinese


Candidates are encouraged to review briefings and interviews given by Dr. Fauci and Dr. Brix to better understand how NOT to be the National China Virus Spokesperson


Apply via Twitter @ #WhiteHouseChinaVirusSpokesperson

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